Your loving advice may actually be detrimental to your relationships.
I used to think ‘mind your business’ simply meant to awkwardly turn away from something you shouldn’t be looking at or paying attention to. I’ve found it’s more than just that; I have come to realise that it means more than just turning away from something that doesn’t concern you, but rather to face what does head on.
A rocky patch in one of my closest friendships taught me this lesson, and while reflecting on it, I came to think of it like a Ndebele proverb: the monkeys laugh at each other’s foreheads (‘indwangu zihlekana iz’phongo’ for those who are familiar). The saying points out that we often see and attempt to correct other people’s flaws while we have our very own. I’d take it a little bit further and say that we often see other people’s flaws much clearer BECAUSE we’re not looking at our own (more on this a little later).
Often, we project our ideals on people without realising. We tend to have opinions about how X could be done differently or how Y isn’t a good idea. Most of us would assert that this is done in love, to help our fellow humans. Although our intentions are pure, our actions and words don’t always reflect this. What’s more, and what we tend to be oblivious to, is that as much as we think they need it, others really don’t want our unsolicited advice.
Ever wondered why we feel so compelled to ‘help’? Turns out its because we’re subconsciously applying their personal scenarios to our own lives. I was slightly annoyed at my therapist when she told me this. From where I was standing, she clearly didn’t understand my perspective and how much I cared about my friend and her life. Eventually, I came to realise that she was right – I had adopted my friend’s personal scenario as my own. I stopped being a supportive friend and subconsciously made the situation about me and what I thought was right. Don’t judge me, it’s easily done (or maybe I’m just a control freak, but that’s another conversation for another post).
In the process, I lost sight of the areas in my own life that required my attention. Excuse the slight oversimplification, but because I was paying so much attention to someone else’s life (as if it were my own), I stopped paying attention to my actual life, and specifically, my own shortcomings that needed addressing. By not handling my own business, I make room for my life to become unfulfilling and dissatisfying for me, which eventually leads to a need to ‘escape’ my own life by subconsciously adopting the lives of others. I’m sure you can see how the cycle forms.
My message is not that we are to stand by and let people make mistakes without warning them against them – this is not true friendship. My advice is that we exercise caution in advising our loved ones, but we also give them room to exercise their own judgement without alienating them. Most importantly, let’s empathise with people’s feelings even if we don’t agree with the actions that led to the feelings.