Taste & See

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A testimony about finding a firm foundation in God.

I grew up with the distant knowledge of God. I have always believed in God, but I wouldn’t say He was an obvious part of my life, nor did I have an intentional relationship with Him. I would pray here and there, and when asked about religion or faith, I’ve always said I was a Christian although I had doubts and questions, and I didn’t fully know the gospel of Jesus Christ. I attended different churches throughout my life, albeit sporadically and inconsistently.

Faith

In July 2021, the concept of ‘faith’ had been coming up in my mind a lot. It was coming up for me in two ways: faith in my personal life, and faith in action.

1. Personal Faith

This referred to my ability to trust God to lead my life and have full control of it. In practice, this meant acting based on decisions that are God-led, not Nicole or ego-led.

I came to realise that over the years, I had built up a lot of pride in myself, my abilities and my achievements. Although there is nothing wrong with feeling accomplished (on the surface), an unchecked ego had turned me into a person who thought she knew it all, and because I supposedly knew it all, I had to be in control. Along the way, I learnt that the source of this need to be control was due to anxiety caused by past hurt and trauma. However, left unresolved, I had developed an entitlement to always have an opinion and strong views about how people should live their lives.

On a more individual level, my independence meant that I was not giving God any room to lead or do anything. I was effectively telling God ‘I’ve got this. Thank you for all these gifts and all, but I can handle them from here.’ I am someone who some might say exudes confidence and this demeanour of having it all together. All good virtues, but looking back, and unbeknownst to most, it was very shaky because my identity and strength were not firmly and completely rooted in God. Beneath the surface, I had low self-belief and struggled with fear. I did not yet know what it meant to be truly humble and vulnerable in God. As such, I had never learnt to full rely on Him to guide and protect me.

2. Faith in Action

I believe this is the part that God wanted to do the most work in me. My life lacked activities that sought after God. At that point in my life, I wasn’t yet convinced about the necessity of community or going to church. I was in, to quote my pastor, ‘just me and my Jesus’ mode. There was a need for me to learn to have the humility to actively learn about God – this included learning about Him through others who knew Him better than me and studying The Word. I had doubts, and I had questions – I didn’t fully understand the Trinity, but I had just stayed complacent in my doubts, almost using them as excuses to not truly, wholeheartedly seek Him.

Having a belief in God is great, but I learnt that it is only the starting point. Factually knowing something exists and experiencing it are very different – and to KNOW you’re experiencing it too is even better. The belief alone, in my opinion, is not enough when life happens and you are shaken because without the intimacy and experience, you lack true comfort. I’ve come across an illustration that beautifully explains the need for faith community: most rivers and streams lead to large bodies of water, meaning there is a constant flow and water gets filtered and purified in the process. However, you can also get some water that is land-locked, with no flow into a larger body. It’s in these lakes that one can find ‘salt lakes’ – water that is so saturated with minerals and other elements it is rendered unfit for human consumption. This water ends up changed from its original nature and purpose because there is no exchange that can lead to is purification and betterment. And thus, faith needs to be a flowing action whereby one shares their journey, life and experience with others who also do the same; in such an exchange one constantly feeds others while they themselves are fed.

Finding a base

I started attending a local church in the autumn of 2021. At this point in my life, I had done quite a lot of self-help, and had sporadically attended therapy – which was very helpful in gaining insight into how I operate and general self-awareness. Deep down, I had always felt I lacked in some ways and there was a feeling of inadequacy. As a result, I had always subconsciously chased after recognition and for people to see me, although this was subtle (at least I think it was). As part of my self-help journey, I had tried positive affirmations and quotes which were written on post-it notes and stuck around my home. This was fine for a bit, but eventually I felt I was faking it and without a firm foundation from which those affirmations were said, I stopped believing said affirmations and that feeling of something missing returned. I came to the conclusion that: at this point, it must only be God who can fix that. So, I made a decision that I would attend the church my friends went to even if I thought some things were a bit… out there. What I mean by this is that, I still wanted to be cool, so I thought worship, dancing and expressing was all a bit much, speaking in tongues was strange to me, and it was all a bit weird. However, I thoroughly enjoyed the preaching, and my friends went there, and I trusted them, so I kept going. (The cringey feelings, by the way, is just your nature – which works against God, and is trying to stop you from knowing Him – push past it. I say this with caution though, when you decide to wholeheartedly seek God, please please please ask Him to lead you to a church where He dwells.)

After a few months of attending my church and listening to other christian sources, I kept hearing talk of spending time with God and having an intimate relationship with Him, although I really did not know how to do this at the time. Around February of 2022, I went to the prayer team after a church service and asked for prayer. The lady who prayed for me said that she felt God was saying that I should “just get into a room, shut the door and spend time with Him.” I admitted that I really didn’t know what this meant – was I supposed to just sit there in silence until I heard a voice? Was I supposed to talk to myself? She kindly explained that all I had to do was let God know what my intentions were – that I was there, available and present for Him. I took her advice and eventually altered my daily schedule to spend intentional time with God. Despite being the only physical person in the room, I felt very awkward and uncomfortable at first. Nonetheless I stuck with it because, again, I was at a point where I felt that all else (self-help wise) had failed, and it HAD to be God who would fill whatever I felt was missing. I decided to give up on the affirmations and just try to get into ‘the word’ (the bible). Eventually I started to ‘hear’ from God and, although not much seemed to change on the surface or physically at the time, I kept going and I later realised that I was being transformed from the inside out.

Fast forward a couple of years and I’m not at all perfect with it (or at all, generally) and some days, I fall short, but my relationship with God has become so ingrained in my life that I feel incomplete without it, like a life without God would be unnatural.

And the Word… the Word is beautiful. I’ve not read the whole bible, but I know it’s a love story – it’s about Jesus, the Son of God and He loves us so so deeply. His love is so vast, I will spend my earthly life on it. God so loved us that He gave His Son Jesus to die for you and me on a cross, so that we could believe and trust in Him in order to have eternal life in His presence.

I found who I truly am in God, and the discovery is ongoing. What I do know though, is that I had to find HIM first, before finding myself. And again, it’s ONGOING – there is no arrival, just a beautiful pursuit, and in return, you get more love that fills your cup into constant overflow.

Key Takeaways

The beginning may be uncomfortable

• Starting an intentional relationship with God can feel very awkward. Talking to Him out loud in prayer may make you cringe, and boredom will come. Please don’t give up.
• Reading the bible will feel difficult at first but, DO IT consistently, and ask God to help you understand it. I recommend starting with the book of Romans which explains the gospel in depth and what it means for everyone. The book of John is my personal favourite gospel. Find a version that is easiest for you to digest, a popular one is New International Version, but there are others. You could even try an amplified version which uses extra words to further convey the intended message.
• Worshiping alone in your living room will feel very strange, and if someone else walks in unexpectedly there may be an awkward moment and you will want to stop – don’t.
• The above points are just examples of how your flesh will want to turn you away from God, but the Lord is stronger. And it matters more what God thinks of you than what anyone else thinks of you, even those very close and dear to you. Even you.
• “Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe.” Proverbs 29:25

God’s love is a lifeline

• God’s love is much more than we could ever understand, it’s completely unfailing, but only if we accept it and allow it to work in and through us. I can honestly say that it was the belief in God’s love that got me through some very painful moments.
• “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3: 22-23

You will still have questions, and some things will still not make sense

• There will still be mysteries we don’t understand, but He gives us enough to live on day by day. Life is confusing regardless, but wouldn’t you rather be confused in the safety of the One who holds all of this in His hand? 
• ““The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but those things which are revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may do all the words of this law.” Deuteronomy 29:29

Seek Him wholeheartedly

• Only you (and God obviously) will know what it means to seek God wholeheartedly, so please do not try to blindly follow what anyone else is doing – you don’t know what God, or their lifestyle, requires of them. Yes, seek advice and guidance of course, but don’t try to walk anyone else’s path – God has one laid out just for you if you trust Him.
• “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart”. Jeremiah 29:13

I strongly recommend that you “Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.” Psalm 34:8